Tracy and I returned home from a recent trip to discover our refrigerator died prematurely. We filled garbage bags with spoiled food no longer safe for consumption. I spent the next hours ordering a new appliance online.

Modern refrigerators offer a bewildering array of high-tech features like internet connectivity, transparent doors, touch-screen pads, and inventory management. They also keep food cold.

One brand boasted four different ice options, including cubed, crushed, mini-cubed, and craft. The latter setting produces large spheres of slow-melting ice for bourbon and whiskey. Diluted, name-brand alcohol sounds like a first-world problem, so we opted for a simpler model.

 My parents owned an ancient, harvest-gold refrigerator from the 1970s that tenaciously clung to life. It might still be running in some unknown landfill. Modern appliance self-destruct within a decade with planned obsolescence programmed into their electronics.

I’m just glad to have a new refrigerator that keeps things cold in the top half and frozen in the bottom half. Follow me for more household tips.

Several years ago David Brooks and I published a series of Fun Phrases on our Facebook feeds. I compiled some of my creations in today’s blog.

Acronymius

The overuse of acronyms in an organization

The UMW in the NGC of the UMC supported the USA’s UMCOR ERT offering ASAP.

Little-piggy-separatitis

Stubbing a little toe on an object

The little-piggy-separatitis accident made me go wee, wee, wee all the way home.

Frigfunk

Malodor emanating from an uncleaned refrigerator.
The frigfunk from expired dairy, meat, and produce triggered people’s gag reflexes when they opened the cooler.

Curioclutter

The proliferation of collectables by aficionados

The curioclutter avalanche pelted the victims with knickknacks, gewgaws, baubles, and whatnots.

Footflush

Using a foot to flush a public toilet

Marvin lost his balance during a footflush and plunged headlong into the toilet.

O;pbrupi

Typing I love you with hands one key to the right on the keyboard

The woman mistook her beau’s profession of O;pbrupi as an insult.

Several years ago David Brooks and I published a series of Fun Phrases on our Facebook feeds. I compiled some of my creations in today’s blog.

XYZPDQ

Quickly confirming a pants’ zipper is zipped, performed by the male of the species

The teacher performed a XYZPDQ at his desk before standing to teach the class.

Cubekick

Kicking an errant ice cube under the refrigerator when no one is looking

While his wife was preoccupied, the husband lazily cubekicked rather than picking up the ice.

Tickle-me-ego

Laughing at a joke you told yourself

Although others don’t always get my humor, I tickle-me-ego.

Gel-smell

The alcoholic scent of hand sanitizer

After sanitizing our hands, the gel-smell made us smell like a bar.

Tattoo-booboo

Body art error

The man’s semi-religious tattoo read Phillipians 4:13.

Tumbledusts

Dust bunnies that summersault across the floor, usually when company visits

The fan’s gusts blew tumbledusts down the hall.

K-cup-redux

Reusing a K-cup for a second serving of coffee

The K-cup-redux coffee was so weak that it self-decaffeinated.

Several years ago David Brooks and I published a series of Fun Phrases on our Facebook feeds. I compiled some of my creations in today’s blog.

CEO Church Member

1. Church member who is the Chief Operating Officer of a company
2. Church member who attends worship Christmas-Easter-Only

The CEO member took time off from work to attend worship CEO.

Shakehug

Greeting when one person plans to shake hands while the other initiates a hug

The shakehug between the two friends turned into an awkward waltz.

Concludisinterruptis

The inability of preachers to conclude sermons.

Due to chronic concludisinterruptis, the congregation abandoned hope whenever the preacher said, “In conclusion.”

Clumsyglance

After a clumsy accident, glancing around to see if anyone else witnessed the act.

Despite his concussion, Ray first gave a clumsyglance to see if anyone saw him walk into the glass door.

Surf Thumb Syndrome (STS)

Thumb injury caused by chronic channel surfing

STS pain prevented Bubba from simultaneously watching the NASCAR race and bowling tournament.

Digidate

A blind date arranged by an online, matchmaking service.

Rachel’s disappointing digidate turned out to be an un-kissed frog rather than a handsome prince.

Man-cold

Life threatening illness experienced by males accompanied by involuntary moaning, groaning, and complaining.

The husband unwisely compared his man-cold symptoms to his wife’s labor pains. And that’s when the fight started.

Several years ago David Brooks and I published a series of Fun Phrases on our Facebook feeds. I compiled some of my creations in today’s blog.

Bottlecrush

Crushing a plastic water bottle as a macho display of strength, performed by the male of the species

The vain man’s bottlecrush impressed none of the women in the room.

 Facebookfakeout

When you realize the friend you friended on Facebook is not the friend you thought you friended on Facebook.

Honey, I just realized my Facebookfakeout means the Jim Smith we invited to dinner is an Amway salesman rather than my college roommate.

Pew-niptions

Church members’ conniptions when someone sits in THEIR pew.

Sister Jones threw a real pew-niption when the visitors sat in her pew, smiting them mightily about the head and shoulders with her cane.

Zoomutism

Forgetting to unmute your mic when speaking on Zoom.

Angie tried to contribute to the meeting, but her Zoomutism silenced her voice.

Urmuted

Response to someone suffering from Zoommutism.

Urmuted, turn on your mic so we can hear you on Zoom.

Zoomies

In canines, a physical burst of activity from excess energy. In humans, a spiritual dearth of energy from Zoom calls.

Affected by the Zoomies, Rover raced frantically around the room while John stared listlessly at the screen.

Poop-cicle     

What your dog deposits during its morning walk in sub-freezing weather.

I forgot to take a plastic bag, and Rover left a big pile of poop-cicles on the neighbor’s lawn.

I inherited our family’s china after my parents’ deaths. The Haviland Autumn Leaf design features fall leaves and gold trim. We own over a dozen place settings along with assorted serving dishes.

Both my paternal great-grandmother and grandmother collected the Autumn Leaf pattern. I remember them every time we set the table with the fine china. Our granddaughter is the sixth generation in our family to use the dishes.

Bridal registries once featured fine china, sterling silverware, and crystal glassware; but Millennials and Gen Z eschew these traditional gifts. They buy tableware marked Dishwasher Safe. Agents liquidate family heirlooms for pennies on the dollar at estate sales.

My parents stored the china and crystal in large cabinets where it remained safely undisturbed. We have chosen to use it regularly at family gatherings, trading occasional chips for lifelong memories.

Someday our children will inherit these legacies passed down through the generations. I pray that their birthright will remind them of family dinners blessed by laughter and love.

Amen.

Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner taught me valuable life lessons as a child. The cartoon characters’ Saturday morning antics revealed:

• If you run off a cliff, then keep moving your feet and don’t look down.
• Gravity is a real DELETED BY CENSOR.
• Parasols provide poor protection from falling boulders.
• The Acme Corporation sells hard-to-find items like anvils, dynamite, invisible paint, giant rubber bands, and rocket-propelled roller skates.
• Coyotes possess more lives than cats.
• Cannon balls sting but cause no permanent harm.

Most of all, the Coyote taught me to keep trying no matter how many times I failed.

Beep, beep!

I often visit parishioners in hospitals and institutions. Keep these rules in mind during visits.

• Less is more. Sick people do not need long visits. Over two visitors are too many.
• Keep visits upbeat and positive. Don’t tell horror stories about how your Aunt Edna died from the same affliction.
• Practice proper hygiene. Wash hands before and after the visit.
• If the sign says No Visitors, this means YOU.
• Give medical personnel space to do their jobs. Exit a room during care.
• Never sit on the edge of a hospital bed. Check a patient’s hand for IV lines before holding it. Avoid IV stands, catheter lines, and drainage bags.
• Visit on the patient’s timetable, avoiding early mornings and late nights.
• Honor confidentiality. Do not share details without the patient’s blessing.

If in doubt, then do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Northside Church’s back-to-school worship series was titled Sight Words. We explored sacred terms inspired by historic Christian worship, including nave.  

The nave is the main part of the sanctuary where the congregation worships. It comes from the Latin term, navis, which means ship. It gives us the English word, navy. A ship was an early symbol of the Christian church with several origins and meanings.

The church is the ship of salvation, safely bearing God’s people through earthly turmoil to heavenly reward. Traditional images depict Saint Peter at the helm, and a ship is one of the symbols associated with the Big Fisherman. 

Church architecture evolved over the centuries. Some churches designed their sanctuaries to resemble ships. The Northside Church sanctuary was inspired by the neo-Gothic tradition. The arched, wooden ceiling resembles a ship’s hull and keel. 

Ship imagery also recalls the story of Noah’s Ark, which is reflected in sacred architecture and theology. The church as refuge provides protection from the world’s watery chaos.

The church is a sanctuary of worship and safety; but Christians are in the Search and Rescue business, too. The Holy Spirit calls us to seek the lost and to rescue the perishing. We launch into turbulent waters to join God in ministry.

Nave: The Latin word that we didn’t know that we needed to know.

HBO Max recently released a four-part series, Charlie Hustle & the Matter of Pete Rose. The documentary explores the rise and fall of the baseball legend.

I idolized Rose during my childhood as one of MLB’s greatest players. The 1963 Rookie of the Year became the 1973 Most Valuable Player. He earned three National League batting titles, setting records for hits and games-played. His dedicated work ethic earned him the nickname, Charlie Hustle.

The athlete’s intense play showed no mercy. He collided full-speed with American League catcher, Ray Fosse, to score the winning run in the 1970 All-Star Game. Fosse recovered from his injuries but never regained his previous prowess.

Rose set a National League record in 1978, hitting safely in 44 consecutive games. The streak ended at Fulton County Stadium when Gene Garber struck out Rose in the 9^th inning. The Red whined in a post-game interview that Garber pitched to him like it was a World Series game—a strange comment from a man called Charlie Hustle.

Rose coached for Cincinnati after retiring as a player. Rumors of gambling on his own team surfaced in the late 1980s. Witnesses claimed he even placed bets from the Reds’ clubhouse. He denied the charges but accepted a lifetime ban from baseball in 1989. The following year he served five months for tax evasion.

His 2004 autobiography, Pete Rose: My Prison without Bars, offered a qualified confession. He finally admitted to betting on the Reds after fourteen years of false denials. The former coach justified his actions by claiming he only bet on the team to win.

Rose wants the MLB to reinstate him in order to be admitted into the Hall of Fame. The HBO Max series represents yet another attempt to rehabilitate his reputation; but his words and attitude suggest he remains unrepentant. Former teammate, Joe Morgan, said, I know I haven’t seen a genuine apology from Rose yet. Nor have I seen any contrition.

Pete Rose doesn’t seem to understand basic principles taught to children. Take responsibility Don’t lie. Admit mistakes. Say, I’m sorry. Repentance comes from the heart and informs actions. Even forgiven people deal with consequences.

Charlie Hustle & the Case of Pete Rose does not change this baseball fan’s mind. Keep the bum out!